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24 December 2008 @ 06:29 pm
I hope everyone is having a great holiday season.

Everyone asked me for my birthday, and for Christmas, what I wanted, and I couldn't really come up with much. I feel like shit because the one thing I've always wanted I've never been able to have: To be with Emily. Buying her earrings and realizing she wasn't here to have them made me cry for the first time in a long time.
14 December 2008 @ 10:34 am
I woke up today to the sound of children screaming happily outside my window, and I was like, wtf is this, it's my birthday, let me sleep. I looked outside the window and everything is covered in snow. I love snow.

Maybe today won't be so bad after all. :D
12 December 2008 @ 11:22 am
So I was checking my e-mail and there was a banner ad that was all like "OBAMAS IQ IS 124 SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT HIM" and my blood started boiling.

Not about this ad specifically, but because of countless ones as a whole, and people that think IQ means ANYTHING about your quality as a person. The reason the United States education system fails is because they reduce a kid that could be the next Albert Einstein to just another number, and tell him he's a failure just because his teacher is doing things wrong. IQ is the same principle, reducing people to a number. There is so much more to a person than "124" and that's not how smart they are. You know what else? I notice a lot of people try to prove their intelligence by answering complicated math problems, which ALSO doesn't mean a thing about anyone's intelligence. I know some really stupid people that are great at math.

I just hate how everything in the world seems to be aimed at reducing a complex human being with a soul and unique ideas to just another number.

In other news, Microsoft is actively stopping people from having access to the Resident Evil 5 demo in the US. Jeez MS, I know sales are bad in japan and you want japanese players to feel good, but holy shit, you reactivated my Live account without my permission, and after taking 50 bucks from me without asking, you have the audacity to say I don't give you enough to play an RE5 demo? The same demo that was at E3 LAST YEAR? AND IS ALREADY IN ENGLISH? Fuck Xbox.
04 December 2008 @ 12:37 am

So anyway.

I apologize if I post depressing journal entries sometimes, but as someone who considers themselves a writer, writing is how I climb and descend my emotional roller coasters, and that is that. I try not to delete them either, maybe one day I can learn something from them. THIS IS A JOURNAL AFTER ALL.

I am looking forward to catching The Punisher this Friday, and then The Day The Earth Stood Still on the 12th, two days before my birthday. UNFORTUNATELY I might be somewhere I don't want to be, for my birthday, but we do what we can. I just wish my mind wasn't so packed with character ideas so that I could settle on one in time for that day, because the greatest gift I could receive this year would be mental stability. ;o

I was thinking a bit, and I really admire Valve's soundtracks (portal, half life 1/2, l4d, tf2, etc) because, especially in the case of the half life games, the music is so varied. When you play halo, you know you're going to hear the classic halo theme, and you know crysis has the pirates of the carribean guy doing the soundtrack. But when half life comes around, you don't know what you're in for. There are so many different ideas in Valve's music, and I think inevitably a regular person will walk away from their experience with at least one or two songs that really stick in their hearts, even if they don't know the names.

I was wandering Steam Groups for a while and I was steadily overcome with the urge to meet friends, and I get this urge once in a while. It was how I met a lot of great people. In spite of that, it has also led to some bad incidents that drove me back into anti social behavior. I try to tell myself I should always try to meet great people and that I shouldn't get discouraged, but inevitably, the other half of my brain says "Remember that one time that guy turned out to be a horrible person and you were completely humiliated?", and then I just...Don't go out and meet people. This happens with almost everything I do, I'm always shooting myself down.

Deep down, I don't want to be a bad person. I might be kind of an ass sometimes, or sometimes I might be really egotistical. But I think the difference between me and a jerk is that I want to be better. I consciously try to be nice, and honest, and I always worry about how I offended someone all the time, even after being the nicest person I could possibly be. I try my best to be helpful and kind, and I try to give without thought of receiving. I try really hard to be good, and to do good, and to be productive. I think I have a lot of deep rooted behaviors in my heart that make me vengeful and unforgiving, and I don't WANT to be that way, but it's really, really ingrained in my psyche. I can only do my best to repress it.

Thank you for tolerating walls of text internet

Thought of the month: "I should really e-mail Gabe Newell one of these days."
29 November 2008 @ 11:38 pm
(WARNING: I'm letting my mind wander for the duration of this post)

So...Dad and I were driving home from a crappy movie up here, and he got to talking about a few things. The first wasn't really relevant, trying to get me to like one of his friends by throwing excuses about her upbringing at me (to which I retorted: Why can't I use that excuse?). The second was him trying to convince me to start dating random girls instead of holding onto Emily like I have been for what, like 6 years? I feel like I'm the only human being in the world that really understands what we're doing, and I'm drawn to people that I believe have (or had) similar situations. Anyway.

Then he asked me what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to go. He said he asked me 2 years ago the same question, and I told him "Nobody who's 17 (how old I was the first time he asked 2 years ago) really knows what they're going to do with their lives, and a majority of college students statistically change their majors at least 3 times during their college time. Those people are older than me, and even they don't know what to do with their lives, so how should I?" And I talked about how I have no hope of understanding the science behind what he's doing now, and he said "That's why I have people behind me" and I told him "Well I don't." and he said "You will".

Overall the conversation ended with me feeling a lot more hopeless and empty than when the conversation started. The truth is I have no idea what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or why. I have people I want to meet (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) but other than that, my goals are simply financial. I saved enough money for a new PC, that was a goal. But that's it. I know I like writing, but I could never write for a career. And I don't know that want a career dealing with networking, PCs, or electronics, and even if I did I don't have all the knowledge I need. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life...I'm deathly afraid of counter jobs at this point, and being a fireman felt like it was meaningful. IT was suggested I could become an Emergency Medical Technician but...I dunno...

I'm filled with self doubt. Constantly, about everything, I have the lowest self confidence of anyone that I know. I want to say it's because of my childhood (Or lack thereof), but another part of me says NO EXCUSES, and that I can rise beyond those barriers that hold so many other people back. I want out of this life, I want more. I want to be with Emily, I want to go out and meet online friends that share so many interests with me, I want a career that means something. I feel so hopeless. I feel like it'll always be this way.
17 November 2008 @ 07:41 pm
Guys guys, my computer runs Left 4 Dead on such high settings, that when I look really close into the eyes of one of the survivor characters, in the reflection in their eye, I can see the user that is playing as that character, no joke
MRI for Dad turned up negative and doctors remained puzzled as he felt great the very same afternoon he had his "second stroke". Our goal in getting him to the hospital was immediate MRI, as I believe there's something about some things only showing in the first four hours after the stroke hits. Of course, the hospital takes NINE hours to do what we needed done in FOUR hours, which is great fun. They wouldn't let Dad eat either, and he hadn't eaten all day (we get that busy, both of us), which arguably CAUSED the "stroke" in the first place. Doctors concluded (read: guessed and left) that what happened to Dad was a small, no-permanent-damage stroke. So we're playing it by ear and trying to get Dad to exercise/eat better.

On the other hand, basically what happened to me, chronologically:

1) Saturday = Intense fever, rapidly fluctuating body temp, tremors. Recouperated from all this the afternoon the same day, I'm such a trooper.
2) Starting saturday and NOT STOPPING = Intense cough that steadily got worse in spite of doses of nyquil or cough drops or even perscription pills to help the respiratory system. I still have a cough two weeks later. (Or however long it's been, I lose track trapped in a basement being sick)
3) Ironically the day I was going out to buy my new PC I was wracked with horrible nausea and threw up in the car on the way home. It was hilarious (In the worst possible way) trying not to throw up while I dictated the fate of my future PC.

BTW: I have the PC now, just not the monitor, which I won't get until Monday. Life gives you lemons!

PS: I have resisted the urge to rant about WOTLK. You have no idea how much it cuts me to the bone, what I'm seeing in the gaming world right now. I want to write an angry article about it, but guess what, ALL MY FRIENDS PLAY IT, and invariably someone would get their feelings hurt, it's that bad. I'll sum it up in the most comedic way possible: 


Agent Smith: Why do you do it? Why keep trying? WHY GET UP? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING? DO YOU EVEN KNOW!?

13 November 2008 @ 01:11 pm
-'/ Lai: I have been musing over the idea of a church preacher robot lately
-'/ Lai: It's an amusing play on religion, since he's pre-programmed to believe what he's saying.
09 November 2008 @ 11:55 pm
Okay, I got the L4D demo working on my laptop, it runs like a slideshow, but HOLY SHIT IT IS SO FUN. I had to play on fullbright, and if I can figure a way to disable muzzle flashes it might be playable, but ALL I want to do is go back in. There is no doubt, I nailed it, this is the game I will build a PC for. If anyone is in the demo I would be happy to gimp your team by aiming slowly/enjoying this game with friends.
05 November 2008 @ 11:09 am
Minor rant: Why is it every time I see a post, forum topic, or journal, or whatever, praising Obama's success, there are a couple hundred trolls that feel the need to shit on everyone's parade? Mccain LOST. CRY MORE. IT'S OVER. THE END.

Actual journal: So I had to get up early, still really sick, Dad thinks I have pnuemonia, but he's not here, and get picked up by someone I barely know to go to work. I am now eating this person's beef jerky because "I need my protein" but to prevent my illness from spreading to him, the jerky has been piled on top of a piece of printer paper for me to eat. This day is funny.


I will leave you with a list of games that have stood the test of time:

- Dead Space

And a list of games that have not and I am selling or have sold in the past few months. Or that I could lose and not care that they were gone.

- Ninja Gaiden 2
- Far Cry 2
- The Glitch Unleashed
- Fallout 3
- Fable 2 (only holding for coop with Ily when she comes over)
- Bioshock
- Halo 3
- Insert 9/10 critically acclaimed game here

This year sucks for games, I don't care what anyone says. As the gaming industry starts to rival the movie industry, people start to think they can make a game when they can't, or they can milk an old, reused formula (fallout 3 is an oblivion mod that crashes like its predecessor) to get people to buy.

To resolve this I propose a Dead Space MMO, it will be called Global Space, or Dead Agenda, whichever sounds better, and will feature 128 player wars against Necromorphs on the planet Earth, thx.


Ending note: Is it wrong that I find this RP inspirational? The fencing scene in particular, need this song now. So I can write while listening to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtZg81LbRmc